Kinectimals, A fact sheet!

Okay, when I see a press release marked “KINECTIMALS: A FACT SHEET!” (yes all in caps, apparently a common theme in PR) my mind can’t help but immediately wander to the prospect of rewriting whatever has been sent and filling it with jokes about the Holocaust. With that being said I opened up this email, fully prepared to launch into what I believed to be sheer comedic gold. What I didn’t anticipate was for the write up to be so inherently funny that I need not touch a word.  Perhaps its just me, but I’m so fucking baffled by this game to begin with that while reading all these little factoids and tidbits I couldn’t help but fall out of my chair laughing. I guess I just don’t see the audience. I like to believe, and it’s actually been confirmed at time, that I have a child’s brain. I love picture books and animals and toys (yes, actually playing with them not just posing them) and all that other happy horseshit that comes with any 26 year old’s unyielding desire to want to be 5 again. But I just don’t get it! Nothing about this sounds like fun… or much like a game for that matter.  Oh well, I digress… but I dare you, nay, I DOUBLE-DOG DARE YOU to  read through this and not be filled with general sense of “…what the fuck?”

“Kinectimals” Fact Sheet – August 2010

A wide-eyed Bengal tiger cub cocks its head to the side and playfully peers at you. Memories of your first trip to the zoo come rushing back. Through the magic of Kinect that furry tiger cub is in your living room and about to become your best friend.

“Kinectimals” invites children, their parents and animal lovers of all ages to build lasting friendships with some of the world’s most exotic creatures. Just like real pets, your “Kinectimals cubs” will come running when they hear your voice, respond to commands* such as “jump,” “roll over” and “play dead,” and purr with joy when you scratch them behind their ears. When you adopt your new pet, you begin a journey to discover all the secrets of the island that you live on including the Legend of Felis Aurum – “The Golden Cat” – the final clue you need to unlock to “win” the game.  The more you play, the more you discover, including new environments, animals, toys, furnishings, tricks, challenges and contests. Use all of the furnishings you unlock to personalize the home you and your cub live in.

Details, Details, Details

”Nice to meet you.” Your journey begins when you adopt and name one of five playful friends – a lion, Royal Bengal Tiger, cheetah, leopard or jaguar. Discover the lush environments on the island you live on as you journey with your cub to unlock six more animals during the course of game play and solve the Legend of Felis Aurum..

Create memories that last a lifetime. From the first time she recognizes her name to when she learns to fetch, your cub will grow up as your sidekick and friend, eager to discover the environment around you. Use your voice* and body to teach your pet new tricks, discover hidden secrets and build a bond that grows.

The fun never ends. Train your pet to perform tricks such as fetch, play activities including jump rope, and even master agility courses with hops, stops and balancing acts.

Get Competitive. Engage in challenges with your pet to earn Achievements and improve your Gamerscore, or team up and compete in multi-player contests with friends and family members and their pets to see who can score the highest. Plus, win cool rewards for your Xbox 360 Avatar.

Collect and customize. Travel far and wide to collect up to 600 different treasures and toys. You can customize your pet and decorate your home, plus use the in-game store to shop for items to nurture and care for your new best friend.

Grow your “Kinectimals” family. Collectible, limited-edition plush toys will be available online and at popular retail stores. Choose your new friend, scan the code with the Kinect sensor, then watch it come to life on the screen right before your eyes. With your very own plush pal you can keep your new friend with you even when you’re away from your Xbox 360.

*English language supported (U.S. & UK dialects).  See xbox.com/kinectimals for additional supported languages.

**Xbox LIVE Gold membership required for online multiplayer gameplay.